I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
