I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
