Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
So vagazzling was a success
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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