all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
