Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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