take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
