I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
