i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I think I sprained my soul last night
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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