I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
