I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
