i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
