Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
