How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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