would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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