Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
