I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
