Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Randomize
