I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
