what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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