I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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