the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
