My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
