Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
