Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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