That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize