And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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