Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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