I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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