I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
