Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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