I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
