just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
