Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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