I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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