If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
