I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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