Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize