If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
