You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
