Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
