Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I need to calm my uterus...
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