at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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