Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
