It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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