between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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