the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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