The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
That accounts for only three of the penises
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
