Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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