I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
