This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
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