tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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