Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize