I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
