You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
