Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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