Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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