his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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