i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
