'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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